To: The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
In our opinion, Paris Hilton is an inexplicable American celebrity and socialite, both of which rely solely on her status as heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune. She provides hope to underachievers all over the world who believe a GED and alleged herpes is a solid foundation atop which to build their dreams. And without the, uh, beauty and excitement she contributes to this fine society, we, the little people, would likely drown in the banality of our mundane lives. After all, legitimate careers and happy families mean nothing compared to the daily goings on of a vacuous rich chick and her many talents. Need proof of these said skills? She brilliantly took credit for "writing" a crappy book that schools readers on how to ditch their pride and model themselves after Paris, herself. And then when this literary gem made the ultra-obscure Wall Street Journal's best seller list, she needed a minion to explain why, in fact, that was hot.
When she's not rivaling Toni Morrison, Ms. Hilton is recognized for her leading role on the FOX reality series, "The Simple Life," which follows her and fellow celebutard, Nichole Richie, as they mock hard-working Americans in various rural locales. Oh, and she parties a lot and flaunts her junk like it's gonna cure cancer.
All sarcasm aside, we, the Idahoans who support Paris' eternal incarceration, are shocked and dismayed that Paris hasn't already been run over by a bus. And ultimately believe that a lifetime in jail is what is owed to us as a state and as a society.